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Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2006 - 2:41 a.m. I have been blessed to have been rescued from a terrible living situation early on in life. I came here to the US when I was 8 and I will be eternally grateful to God, to my mom for getting me out of Jamaica. Who knows where I would be now. I have known struggles in my life. I experienced things when I was a child that no kid should have to. Once again, I was blessed to see it all through without too many major scars. I know that there are people who love me and want the best for me. I know that there are people in the world who don't know what that feels like and at the risk of sounding redundant, I am blessed. I have, however always felt that everyone's love for me came with conditions. It might seem silly but no one knows what it felt like to grow up as me, but me. My parents' support only ever came (and still does) when I am doing what they want. If I dare have an original idea or want to branch off to do something different, I am on my own. It has always been that way from the biggest to the smallest thing. Now, I know logically that thier love for me doesn't ever change, if for no other reason than I am thier daughter. But one can't help but feel unloved and alone when all you want to do is be you but you know by doing what you want, you isolate yourself from your own family. It has been a difficult venture for me, discovering myself these past few years. Learning what it means to live life in the real world. But it seemed that the more I learned about life and people, the more I discovered that its not just my parents, everyone's love comes with conditions. At least everyone I have come across. I wanted so desperatley to believe in unconditional love but I am left no choice but to realize that it does not exist outside of God. The thing is, I have always known that I have a lot to work on, that I am a ridiculously flawed individual, but I guess I never understood why no one could love me like I need to be loved. Not even in a romantic sense. Just in general. I have always felt that there was something I could do to make each person in my life give up on me and I have never ever known what it felt like to know that no matter what, someone would be there. For a while there, I was fooled into thinking that there was one person in the world who would always love me no matter what. It took a long time for me to believe that, but I really did. For the first time ever, I felt secure. I thought that no matter what happened, he would always love me. I finally felt like for the first time in life, who I am was good enough. It turns out I was wrong to believe that. Who I am was not good enough, it never has been for anyone and I was a fool to think it would be for him. He walked away from me anyway cause I wasn't what he wanted anymore. He left me when I needed him the most. It hurts more than words can say. Sometimes I think about it and I literally can't breathe cause my heart hurts so much. It makes me want to give up on it all. On people, on love, on life itslef. But I have to say once again that I am blessed because I have this life growing inside of me. And every day he kicks and moves and it feel like he is reminding me that I can't give up. My baby is the reason for me picking up the pieces and moving on. If I could, I would thank God every minute of every day for this baby because even though I am the one giving him life, I feel like he is saving mine. ?lt;/P> ?lt;/P> 
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